Have you ever started a campfire that ended up being this annoying smoking pile of wood? It was a struggle to keep it going, because you’ve used wet fire starters or choked it with big blocks of wood? Well, I have. In all the years of camping, I’ve learned that it depends on what I do at the start of a campfire if it turns into a cozy fire or a smoking hell. Well, this may sound simple, but the same goes for conflict!
You have to understand one thing about conflict. Conflict is a dynamic process with a beginning, middle and end. Just like a campfire. Although we usually don’t get that warm feeling about conflict that we have when we think of a campfire.
A conflict typically starts with one particular event: the spark that starts the fire. Someone says or does something that triggers a reaction from us. We either choose to feed the fire with our destructive impulsive reactions such as an external confrontation or an outburst. Or we keep our response inside and let negative feelings fester, depending on our style and preference.
An alternative is to choose a response that is more constructive from the beginning, such as reaching out or listening to understand the others point of view. The more constructive our response is to the triggering event, the smaller the chance that a conflict escalates.
Just like with a campfire, how a conflict develops depends strongly on what we feed it in the beginning. Of course, this is as far as the metaphor with campfire works, because conflict is so much more complex. We want the conflict to resolve as soon as possible and we want the campfire to keep going. Either way, the events that occur early in the process and our behavior at the beginning of conflict are especially important for how the conflict unfolds. It’s up to you how you choose to respond to that initial spark.
What do you know about your own behavior at the onset of conflict? Are you choosing to feed the fire with destructive responses right from the start? Or are you helping to put out the fire with constructive behaviors that foster connection and mutual understanding? Have you seen a difference in the way conflict develops in your life, depending on which responses you chose?
If you find it hard not to react to that initial spark, try to stop, breathe and take a moment to think about the best response. Just observe your initial reaction, and don’t take any action yet until you know it’s a constructive one that helps in resolving the issue.