With four generations in the workplace all interacting in their own characteristic ways, it is evident that the key to success is to be aware and mindful of each other’s differences in communication style. We know this, but we forget—especially when things get heated.
There is a good chance that one day you will end up in a texting war with a member of Generation Y. This might not be as bad as you initially think.
Of course there are pitfalls of trying to resolve conflict by text. When I asked my 16-year-old son what he thinks is the key to successful resolution of a conflict that is initiated while texting, he shared a wise insight on Generation Y: “We need to have the awareness to say: hey, let’s stop texting and start a face to face conversation.” Indeed, recognizing that moment, when one more response by text will do more damage than good and will not lead to resolution, is key to saving a relationship and resolving any difficult conversation.
Projection Beware!
Just as other people’s judgments of us are more about the other than about us, the way we read a text and how we interpret it says more about us than about the sender. As with all of our communication, communication by text is filled with projection of our beliefs, experiences, and values on the message and the other person. Because we are missing non-verbal cues, as we talked about last month, the effects of projection might be stronger when fighting over text.
Responding in the Moment
When a conflict develops over text, we may be tempted to respond in the heat of the moment in words we later regret. Harmful words may be softened later with kinder words, but the effect of the harmful words will linger on in the relationship.
Do you want to know how I feel? Read my emoticons!
A common way to express emotions over text is by emoticons. Even these often-cute little symbols can be a source of misunderstanding. Expressing your true emotions over text with words (versus emoticons) is more effective when an argument emerges. Make sure to express true emotions, rather than your unchecked beliefs or assumptions. Say: “I am scared” instead of “I feel threatened.” The latter is about our belief of what the other person is doing and is not a true emotion.
Emoticons cannot explicitly express our tone, meaning and intention. We are not programmed to communicate these important pieces primarily through words, when we are meeting in person. However, while texting, it is important to communicate tone, meaning, and intention with words to create full understanding.
The same factors that heighten conflict between two people conversing by text can contribute to peaceful resolution as well.
No Auditory or Visual Cues
Sometimes visual cues will serve as the matador’s red flag for a bull. There may be a tone or a gesture that pushes our hot button. Not having these cues available might prevent a strong reaction. When texting, we have to choose our words more carefully, to make up for a lack of nonverbal cues. This might open up an opportunity for you to practice more mindful and positive communication with just using words.
Delayed Response
In the heat of a texting war, we forget that we have a choice. We do not have to respond immediately to a hostile text. It is okay to say: “Let me think about that and get back to you.” We may even choose to never respond. The beauty of fighting over text is that you can delay your response to a time you or the other person are more levelheaded, or after reflection on the next best step. You can read the message again later and reflection might give you a new perspective on the issue.
With respect, sensitivity, and care, conflict resolution by text could be a successful. Remember to ask for meaning and always assume good intentions. Most importantly, recognize when it is wise to pick up the phone or meet in person to work things out.