Crowning Communications
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May 152017

“Sometimes I think I’m in a conversation with 6 people, when I am talking with my co-worker” a coaching client said to me the other day. There can be and often are many voices that want to be heard in a difficult conversation between 2 people.

We have as much of the conversation in our head with our own critical voice as with the other person’s critical voice, the voice of the boss, the co-worker’s voice and possibly a bunch more voices, such as those of our parents, siblings and friends.

In the previous blogpost we explored the dynamic of the interactions we have with our inner self, our state of being, thoughts, feelings and awareness (or lack thereof) of the relationship with ourselves. We identified that dynamic as “Self with Self.”

Let’s now have a closer look at the dynamic between us and the other in the challenging interaction: “Self with the Other.”

An excellent communicator continually pays attention to what the other says with words and without words. What each of us does or says in that tough situation is impacting the other. Understanding and awareness of that impact is key to working things out together.

Below I share 5 key aspects of effectively managing “yourself with others” in difficult conversations:

The second dynamic: “Self with other” in your toughest conversation

1.The Power of Acknowledgement

When we acknowledge the other person’s experience by stating out loud what we understand their experience to be, thus we make a much-needed connection with the other in the difficult situation. In an acknowledgment of experiences, the other person feels heard by you, which, in turn, opens the channel for you to be heard as well.

2. Stop “Silverlining”; Use Empathy

Acknowledgment is the gateway to empathy. Empathy is not equal to sympathy. Empathy connects people, while sympathy separates us from the other, because sympathy is a reflection about self and not about the other. (” I am so sorry for you”). We show empathy by expressing deep understanding of what the other person is going through, without “silverlining”  (“At least you’re still working there…”) or judging the other’s experience.

3. Know the roller coaster (of emotions)

When strong emotions come up for the other in the conversation, it is important to be alert and aware of how these emotions trigger us and could make us less resourceful in our responses. How constructive are you with expressing emotions between you and the other? When the other withdraws from the conversation, do you withdraw or get angry?

4. Take down the walls

When we feel defensiveness coming up at what the other is saying, we are no longer listening. We are then caught up in our own response. The other is merely expressing their experience of what is going on. When we become defensive we are actually “leaving” the tough interaction and going “somewhere else.” The result is disconnection and often more conflict. When we experience the other attacking us, however, it may be appropriate, in our own defense, to acknowledge that a boundary was crossed. Assertively stating that this is not how we want to be treated may help the other become aware of their destructive behavior.

5. Postpone judgment by asking questions

Last but not least, I encourage you stay open, postpone your judgment and get in the mode of asking questions, based on genuine curiosity. Only when we put our judgment aside, can we be totally present with the other person and with ourselves. That is genuine attention; a true gift. And it’s just one less voice to deal with.

More Resources for You: 
WEBINAR: In case you’ve missed it here is the recording of a webinar I conducted last Spring: “Key Strategies for Taking the “Difficult” out of Difficult Conversations.”

> CARD SET: Little Upsides assist you to get to know yourself better in difficult situations with others. A colorful card set with 50 quotes and questions to dig a little deeper and set a constructive tone for your interactions.
Mar 242014

I have to admit that I judge all the time. I judge the person that is checking their phone, while I’m talking with them, because I want to be listened to. I judge my loved ones, because I want them to be happy. I judge my friend who cancels a dinner date last minute, because she is not the reliable friend that I want her to be.  I judge myself for judging, for having a bad hair day or for being distracted and unproductive, because I’m not the superwoman I think I should be. We all judge others and ourselves about what we think is right or wrong, good or bad; it is a human tendency to do so.

Survival Instinct

Only a short time ago, our basic survival as humans was depending on our judgment of people, animals and the situations we found ourselves in. We still react to others’ moods and behaviors. When I used to have co-workers, we gave each other a heads up when we were having an “off “ day, so the other knew to stay out of sight until we gave the “all okay” sign. Our reactions to each other were manageable that way. We judge and react, because instinctively we want to be safe and secure. Needless to say that when I hear someone say: “Be more non-judgmental”, I think about how challenging that is.

Postpone Judgment

Our judgments separate us from each other and the experiences we have with other human beings only to cause conflict. Yet in my work with people in conflict, whether it is coaching or mediation, I have found that the capacity to move beyond judgment is an essential skill. Why? Because trust and a greater openness towards each other can grow quickly, when we feel we are not being judged.

One of the operating principles of The Jump Movement program, with which I am recently involved in, is the concept of “postponing judgment”.  I love that concept, given our human tendency to judge. We stay connected and curious about the other’s perspective and we have an authentic connection when we are able to suspend our judgment of the other person we are in conflict with.

I will still judge, because I am human and I promised myself to postpone it for the moment; who knows what is going on for the other….I certainly don’t.

This article draws upon one of the core concepts of Jump Movement as well as the book “Everything is Workable” by Diane Musho Hamilton.