“How would this work for Millennials?” a Baby Boomer asked at a recent workshop entitled Listening for Leaders. In this workshop I talk about the importance of face-to-face conversation and how to apply skillful listening to resolve interpersonal conflict.
As good leaders do, this workshop participant presented me with a challenge. He asked me to offer a new perspective on the listening process in conflict resolution. He wanted to know how we become better listeners in the digital age.
More and more, we’re communicating via text, Facebook and Twitter. With attention spans becoming shorter, increased numbers of distractions and information overload on the rise, it makes sense to give this issue more thought. Indeed, Gen Y – that technologically savvy cohort of multitaskers born in the 1980s and later – makes up 36% of today’s work force. It’s high time we developed listening and conflict strategies for this coming generation of leaders.
So what are the challenges of listening via text message? For many, texting is not limited to sending information, such as a quick fact or an announcement of your arrival time. It turns out that only 30% of our text communication is informational. More people, especially those aged 18 to 28, are using the remaining 70% of their texts for casual conversations and relationship building. As in any casual conversation, misunderstandings by text are common and when unaddressed, can easily turn into conflict.
Many of you who have worked with me know that I have what I call “a kitchen table approach” to conflict resolution. In my point of view, there is no better way to work on resolving any conflict, no matter how big, than having a good heart-to-heart conversation at the kitchen table.
In a kitchen table conversation, a skillful listener listens for feelings and needs and makes meaning of the message by interpreting not only words (7% of the message), but also tone of voice, facial expression, body posture and cues that together comprise the other 93% of the message. It seems fair to say, therefore, that when we are communicating by text we are missing more than 90% of the information that we need to be good listeners. Is this a hurdle when trying to resolve conflict by text? Yes and no.
For most of us, face-to-face communication has been, and still is, the “gold standard” for interpersonal communication. And yet that is not the case for Millennials, who rely heavily on electronic communication in their daily interactions. When my daughter, for example, was in a conflict with one of her college friends, he apologized to her in a personal message on Facebook, an entirely acceptable form of apology in her eyes. Clearly her generation is poised to significantly challenge the gold standard, affect how we communicate with one another and change the ways in which we resolve conflict in the workplace and beyond.
Five Pointers for Skillful Communication via Text
After some contemplation and research, I realized that the listening process by text is not that different from listening in person. Because of the lack of non-verbal information in a text message, there is an increased need for excellent questioning skills and a higher level of awareness. So here are my suggestions for skillful listening to prevent conflict while having a conversation by text:
- Be clear about what you want to ask
- Ask open-ended questions, that cannot be answered with yes or no
- Ask one question at a time
- Stay away from “why” questions
- Ask for meanings of emoticons and subjective terms such as “good” or “comfortable”
Have you engaged in difficult conversations by text? How were you able to prevent a conflict? Please let me know about your experiences.
Next month in Part II I will discuss the pitfalls and benefits of fighting by text and what to do when conflict develops during text messaging.
A great resource is an article in Newsweek “Text Messaging and Conflict Resolution,” November 19, 2010.